My Mind is about to Explode

My mind is about to explode.

I feel it in both biological and mechanical ways.  Biologically I feel my mind boiling, I hear the air bubbles popping as the mind melts.  The machine is breaking down and making a huge banging sound as it disintegrates.  Is the mind alive or machine?

Whatever it is, the bugs are eating whatever they can as they boil along with the brain.  I can hear the bugs scream along with my mind.  It’s nuclear fission.  Atoms are being split into smaller parts; it’s radioactive decay.  It’s not possible.  It feels like popcorn kernels are popping, except the kernels are heavy balls of lead and break the skull with each hit.  My head feels like it weighs thousands of pounds.  I can’t lift it.  Has it been bolted to the floor?

I can’t believe how much pain this is causing me.

 

Bugs Crawling Under My Skin

Something is crawling under my skin; I feel something moving and eating me from the inside out.  Nobody will believe me; they say this is not possible.

I feel them crawling on me and I brush them off, but they won’t go away.  I swat at them and people just stare.

1, 2, 20, an entire swarm is over me covering every inch of my body.  Some are on the inside, some are on the outside searching for ways in.  Through the ears, nose, mouth, and anus.  Biting me, excreting toxins

The snake is slithering towards me, crawling up my legs, body, and stopping around my neck.  Squeezing, constricting my neck.  I can barely breath.  Get it off of me!

When I was in high school, I had a case of pinworms.  This was a simple fix and was treated with medication.  But the feeling has never gone away.  At night, pin worms crawl out through the anus, and lay eggs, before crawling back in.  Ever since high school I have felt this disgusting sensation from hallucinations.  And even if they aren’t real, I still feel them.  

Guilt (Poem)

Guilt

A poem by Jon Erath

_______________________________________________________________________

Guilt

It’s always there,

Not helped by the voices always repeating

Always repeating

What I’ve done

____________________________________________

They say it’s nothing,

But I can’t forget

No, I can’t forget

What I’ve done

_____________________________________________

Uncontrollable rage towards my family

_____________________________________________

They say it’s okay

That they have forgiven me

That God has forgiven me

_____________________________________________

So who am I to question God?

I have done many wrong things

But, now, I am on the path for good

Moule (A Hallucination)

Moule.  A shadow man with glowing red, fiery eyes.  I first met him in October of 2012 and he has kept in contact since, much to my dismay.

I remember vividly the first time I met him.  It was in the middle of the night and this man appeared in the doorway, swung into my room by a rope, and then started beating me in the knees with a bat.  This was of course terrifying, but the strangest part was the way he moved: he moved from my bed back to the door and continued the process without physically moving.  It was as if he was teleporting.  That’s when I knew this wasn’t a normal assault or anything of this dimension.

People told me that it was just a dream, but it felt so real.  It was something that I was awake and experienced; and I was right.

What could have been the reason for this assault?  Nothing was stolen, nothing seemed to be damaged.  Nothing but the bathroom mirror had changed.  Who would break in and not steal anything?  Who would do nothing but change a mirror?  And why?

The mirror was my only clue as to what may have happened.  I was hoping to find something that would give me a lead, but I found nothing for weeks.  In the meantime, my mind became very unquiet, there was no rest and constant audible noise.  But I couldn’t understand what was being said.  Not until I finally noticed my lead on this mirror.

The mirror had the tiniest crack along the bottom right corner, and on the right side of the crack was a reflection of something that wasn’t physically in that room.  It finally came to me, I was seeing into another dimension.  The man who attacked me was from a different dimension that’s why he could teleport when he attacked me.  And at that moment the voices stopped being un-understandable and were clear as day.  It said “Hello there Jon, I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Kill, kill.”  Over and over again.  Whispered.  “Kill, kill.”  Over and over again.  Screamed  “Kill, kill, kill.”

“Do what we say, or we will hurt those you love.”

“Do what we say, or we will hurt those you love.”

“DO WHAT WE SAY, OR WE WILL HURT THOSE YOU LOVE.”

At first, how could I believe them?  But I was quickly reminded by beating after beating.  They did the impossible.  Sawed my limbs off and replaced them only so they could do it again.  Sent infesting bugs to eat my insides out.  Burned me over and over again in fire.

After this, how could I let this happen to anybody else?  If they hurt me, why couldn’t they hurt others?

“Do you believe me now?  Let me show you what you will do.  Let me show you…the future.”

I saw myself murdering people over and over again.  Stabbing them, choking them, destroying them with just my mind.

“No, no, NO!” I screamed.  “No this can’t be!  I could not do this.”

“You could and you will.”

“No, I will resist!”

“You have already failed.  Look in your closet.”

I looked and I saw three dead bodies in my closet.  I was speechless.

“You killed these people.  You don’t remember it because I controlled you.  I think you will turn and see things my way, but let this be a reminder; if you don’t join me then I will simply control you and kill your loved ones by your hand.  I will show you where to meet me…once you…clear your mind.”

                And then he showed me it, he was in outer space bounded and imprisoned by a black hole.  This is why he was contacting me, because he can’t wreak havoc on his own.  He is pulled by a black hole so that he cannot make it to earth, but he is not yet consumed by it.  I thought that this showed me the solution.  I had to travel to the black hole and throw him in.  Then he spoke.

“But there is another way.  Join me.  You are so like me.”

“No, we are nothing alike.  You’re a monster.”

“Don’t you remember?”

“Remember what?”

“All of the times you have had uncontrollable rage against your family.”

“How do you know about that?”

“Because I have your memories, I am you.”  He said this as he stepped into the light and I learned the truth.  He was me.

I was determined to find him, and stop him.  I searched in the library for the secret door, the portal, to where Moule was.  I saw walls within the library that were a strange transparent, blue color.  I entered and the door closed behind me.  I was stuck.  I went left and right and knocked on the walls, but nothing would open.  People were staring at me.  But I got a text that saved me.  It was from my mom.  Somehow she was able to reach through the secret walls and save me.

I had one experience of searching for Moule but this next one was much closer.  I was in my chemistry lab in the U of A’s Koffler building, and I noticed something not of this world. They were bombs on the floor of my labroom.  Heavy and full of elements only found in space, just like Moule.  I started picking up the bombs in order to protect my classmates but the bombs kept on replenishing.  I picked up one and a couple more showed up.  Once again everyone was staring at me.  They whispered “Does this have anything to do with the seizure he had yesterday?”  They asked me if I was okay, and what I was doing.  And I told them that I was working on picking up the bombs.  Mention of bombs did not calm my company.

I went outside of the classroom.  I felt his presence; I found a way to meet him.  The 5th floor of the building had a balcony that lead the way.  The portal to his world was off of the balcony.  Only someone who would risk death was truly worthy of interdimensional travel.  As far as Moule was concerned, to meet him one had to die.

To be honest, at the time I was not completely sure of what to do.  Risking death was a big decision.  I went inside to consider and I saw the chemistry staff yell “I’ll call the police!”.  I was scared by this and ran and hid.  On the corner of the Koffler building was an unsafe area protected by guard rails.  I jumped over the rails and hid behind a column.  A student passed by and noticed me and tried to talk with me.

She asked me “If I was okay?”

and I immediately responded with “Which dimension are you from?

“The same dimension you are from.”

It was then that the police came and had her leave.  There were at least 8 people surrounding me, probably closer to 10 consisting of police, security, and paramedics.  One came over the rails and tried to comfort me, but the one that seemed to be in charge was not as understanding.

He stated that “I could come with them the easy way or the hard way.”

I asked “Are ten people really necessary to be here?”

I mean, were they really that afraid of me?  Was I really that scary?  I was very small and had no weapons.

I agreed to go with them.  And as I did this, I heard my good friend (Kendra Bridges, an instrumental part to my recovery) say “I’m coming with him.”  I looked up at her and saw her terrified face and realized that this was serious and very wrong.

I walked with people both behind me and in front of me.  And kept my hands behind my back to keep them appeased.  When walking down the hall, my classmates saw me; they must have seen me as a criminal.  When we got to the elevator, my mom was there to take me home.  They asked “Have you ever seen him like this before?”  And heartbroken she just responded with “Yes.”

I was playing volleyball at night with my friends when all of a sudden I felt like I was in a kind of trance.  I wandered off and this caused some concern among my friends.  They started to follow me, and I hid within a nook.  When they tried to talk to me, my face went berserk, twitched, as if controlled by some evil force and this made them shriek from terror.

I ran and climbed on top off a Circle K, lying flat on the roof.  Passerbyers were point and talking about what the strange thing that was going on.  I stayed there paralyzed from fear.

My friends called my parents to come pick me up.  But when my Dad arrived I knew what I had to do.  I had to run to the 5th floor and complete my mission.  So I ran.  I ran across campus and they chased me.  I lost my shoe and I kept running.  I had to complete the mission.  I had to stop Moule.  I stumbled and hid in some bushes to catch my breath.

I was surrounded.  I ran a little more before I collapsed and crawled over to the railing.  I was hysterical, crying and yelling out of confusion.  I held on to the rails while screaming to my friends “You are not real! You are not real!  They kept on pulling on me as I screamed.  They had to pry my hands of the rails to get me free. I would have kept fighting, only to be stopped by passing out because it was too much to handle.

I couldn’t just keep on living in confusion.  I had several choices.

  1. Do what he commands and hurt people in order to save those that I hold dear.
  2. Hurt myself so that he can’t control me.
  3. But the third option was the option that my friends were encouraging me to do.  They were insisting that none of this was real and that it was all in my head.  That they could not hurt others.  That they could not control me.

But I had great doubts about this.  After all, how could I be in so much pain, take physical beatings  after beatings if they were not real.  If they can hurt me, why can’t they hurt others?  And what about the vision of the future, can I really trust that it’s not real?

And the answer to that, if you ever want to get better, is a resounding yes.

Rejecting these thoughts and voices is a major step to feeling better, but there is still more work to be done.  For some people, acknowledging that the voices are false will sometimes stop the problem, but most of the time (and in my case) they were still there to bother me.  I know it is hard to reject these thoughts because they feel absolutely true and a part of you, but the only way to get better is to choose to ignore them.

Reality Testing with Shadows

I see shadows.  I have been experimenting with what may help with these shadows.  I don’t believe that they are real anymore.  And the only real way to get better is by believing that they aren’t real.

There are several ways that I reality test the shadows.  The first way is that I take my glasses off.  When I take my glasses off, the shadows are crisp and clear but the rest of my surroundings are blurry.  The way that I interpret this is by thinking that the blurry things are from the real world, while my mind is projecting the sharp objects that are not real.

Another way that I reality test is by interacting with them.  For example, I remember handing a shadow a piece of paper.  He didn’t take it, but just stood there.  With this, I reasoned that either the shadow wasn’t real or he was really rude and unresponsive.

With a conclusion of them not being real, this left me much more relaxed.

shadow

What is Real? (Poem/Song on Psychosis)

Chorus:

What is real?

Who is he?

What is real?

Who is me?

Which do I follow?

Which do I stop?

Which should I nurture?

Which should I drop?

Super powers?

Or am I impaired?

What to have?

And what should I give?

Should I listen?

Or should I not?

No, no, no.

They will stop.

Verse 1:

I wanted you, but you are false

Lying, cheating, full of fault

You tempted me, taunted me

Promised me immortality

 

 

Verse 2:

Power, strength, iron will

Completion, fulfillment

No, no not from you

Not from mortal man

 

Chorus

 

Bridge (x2):

Now, let me go

Don’t keep me in

You have no chance

No, you can’t win

Verse 3:

I’ll put my faith in God above

Complete me, Surround me

The alpha, omega

He will help me

How I Got Rid of this Beast

wolf for blogThis is my drawing of the hallucination that has been hunting me. I see it hiding in bushes and it pounces on me in the night.

Strangely enough, I got it to go away. I did this by drawing it and coming up with ideas of how to escape from it.

The weakness of this beast is that it only has 3 toes per paw; because of that it has balance problems. I told myself that I could escape from him because of his imbalance; and since my mind believed it, I did escape.

Also, the drawing that I made was less intimidating than the actual monster. This may have helped my mind decrease my fear, because the new (less scary) monster replaced him.

I am curious if these approaches help with visual hallucinations of your own.

Fantasies to Fun

Instead of letting your past get at you, turn it into something fun. Turn it into a story, a comic book, a video.

I am turning my delusions and fantasies into a comic book.

Twist the stories however you want, do what is fun for you. Do not let your creative fantasies go to waste.

Positive Beliefs: What’s the worst that could happen?

I have found that sometimes truly believing in something positive (even if you don’t think it is true, or you think it is stupid) can really make a person feel better. I know this sounds like something that your therapist keeps telling you, but in this case, they are stressing it for a reason.

For me personally, I was living with intense fear that I might be attacked (which I’m sure some of you have felt). This fear did not have many (if any) positives for me. It left me feeling distraught.

As a Christian, I instead started to finally believe the verses that I have read and been told many times.

There are so many positive verses out there. Here are a couple of my favorites.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus“ (Philippians 4:6-7).

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8).

The above verses were written by Paul, when he was awaiting his trial for being a Christian. This trial was before the Roman emperor.

At first, I did not think that this would help. But, when I sincerely believed them, I did notice a big difference in my life and I felt much better.

Do not expect change to happen instantaneously, like many things it may take some time and patience. Don’t give up if it doesn’t work immediately. This works for many people and it may work for you too.

Again, (I cannot stress this enough) if you want results, you have to sincerely believe it and practice it. I recommend daily devotionals or Bible readings.

What’s the worst thing that could happen from believing something positive? The negative is not helpful, so why let it surround your life?

Yoda vs. Dark Yoda (Conquering our Dark Side)

I think that this video is incredible. I find that this video is relatable to aspects of psychosis. Many of us, even the great hero Yoda, experience the “dark side” of ourselves. The voices within our heads often cackle or tell us to do things that we don’t want to do (as in hurt others or ourselves). We must learn to be like Yoda and through patience and training we shall reject and overcome our dark sides.

Here are some great quotes from the clip.

“I choose not to give you power.” – 1:25

“Recognize you, I do. Part of me you are, yes, but power over me you have not. Through patience and training, it is I who control you. Control over me, you have not. My dark side you are, reject you I do.” – 2:40

And here is the clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dsb-INzmuY